Thursday
I awakened Thursday morning more tired from traveling than I had imagined I could be. I lay for some time with my eyes closed and endeavored to work out the knots in my muscles. When I finally opened my eyes, I was thankful that the draperies were so thick and kept the light at bay, and that I was not forced to gaze upon all those roses. Sophy would most likely rant if she saw what I had done with all the little pillows and frilly things she had decorating the bed. They were lying in an unceremonious heap on the floor. I was tired the evening before and had no other notion as to what I might do with them.

I was determined to go out and wander Bath, though I was also obliged to acknowledge my apprehension. I had no concept of how I might bring myself into Anne's company. Should I attempt an arranged meeting or allow chance her hand in things? This being a big place, I could wander the streets for days and not see her, then again I could step out the door and we could come face to face. That circumstance might be the ideal, for she would not be expecting my presence any more than I, hers. So how does one go about arranging the accidental?

I rose and dressed. Before I quit the room, I even placed the accessories back on the bed. I hoped that the maid would not take it into her mind that I had slept with all those pretties. I thought about the closet as a suitable lodge for them.

My sister was already in the dining room taking coffee. She watched me closely for a few moments and then said, "I hope the roses did not disturb your sleep, Frederick."

"The roses were quiet and therefore, did not bother me in the least," I replied. I was not about to allow her the satisfaction of knowing how irksome that room had become. I sat and began my breakfast. The Admiral came into the room in his usual high spirits. He went to her side, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. I was not able to hear it and I am sure that was best since she slapped him on the arm and with a saucy tone, cried, "Croft, you are a wicked man!" He clapped me on the back and went to his seat, placed his napkin in his lap and smiled broadly. I thought it best to keep to myself.

"Well, Frederick, you look well for being trapped in a post coach for so long. Still don't understand why you didn't ride yourself," he said, as he poured himself coffee. A man laid a plate before him. Sure enough, it was his usual. For years I had watched the Admiral have his breakfast and it had always fascinated me. He had eaten the same meal, day in and day out for the entirety of our association. Two pieces of dry toast, dried fish boiled into a gravy and sausages. The appearance alone was enough to elicit morbid curiosity, the smell most definitely brought the sea to mind. I have had occasion to take the morning meal with him on board ship and on land, at home or abroad, in time of war or at peace and it never varied. The same meal no matter what. This day was no exception. I pulled myself from these ruminations on his eating habits and said, "I normally would,sir. But with the weather being so changeable this time of year and wanting to be the shortest time on the road as possible, post was the only choice."

"Well, that is true. But what puts you in such a lather to be here quickly? Not hearing from you for months and then suddenly finding you on the doorstep puts one in mind that you have some business that needs attending." His look was one which told me I had been their topic of discussion after retiring the evening before. All I could hope was that they had not, in some way, calculated the purpose of my quest. If they had compared impressions and put their minds to what they already knew of my circumstances, I felt they might have found me out. But, as the conversation progressed, I was able to ascertain that there were other matters that concerned me on their minds. Things that were quite apart from my affaires d'amour.

"I assure you Admiral, my haste had everything to do with avoiding bad weather and nothing else."

I noticed that Sophy began to stir her coffee with much energy and the Admiral and she exchanged a rather charged glance. Raised eyebrows, pursed lips, slight tilt to the head. All the things that make silent communication loud and clear. I sat, mid bite, and watched as the entire exchange progressed to its conclusion. In that brief, but lively time, it was decided that the Admiral would speak.

"M-m, Frederick," the Admiral said as he cleared his throat. "I do not wish to be indelicate, but your sister . . ." At this, Sophy cleared her throat. The Admiral began again, "Your sister and I are concerned that, well perhaps you..." I began to be alarmed. The Admiral was not a man left without words easily, but this topic, whatever it might be, had done just that. "Perhaps you have gotten yourself in some sort of financial straits?"

Relief swept over me. It was obvious that they had no hint as to the true nature of my visit, and for once, the mention of money had no feel of doom to it. After my initial feeling of release, I began to laugh. Both looked at me, as though I had lost all sense. "Admiral, Sophy, I can assure you that my finances are quite sound and that in a week or two, I expect a quarterly statement which will prove this. Why on earth would you think that I have mucked up my purse?"

They looked to one another, again the brows arched, lips pursed and tilted heads. Sophy took the honours this time. "My dear, you have been ashore quite a while now and have made no attempt at settling anywhere. I understand that some circumstances have been unsettled for you, but--knowing how you have been in the past about money, I thought--rather we thought . . . perhaps . . . you had . . ." Her words drifted off. The look upon her face was one of awkwardness. For the second time in as many days, I was dismayed to find that my sister held such views. An arrogant spendthrift was her estimation of me! Giving it a quick thought, that was a more apt description of the man, I hoped, would one day be my father-in-law. I remembered Sophy had once said that women usually marry men very much like their fathers. I took a bizarre sort of comfort from that.

I returned to the topic at hand and said, "While I know you are merely concerned for my . . . what shall we call this, Sophy? My welfare? And that in the distant past I was very much a wastrel, that has been nearly eight years and I have been fairly responsible for quite some time. As a matter-of-fact, I have had the privilege of helping our brother now and again over the years. I am not that simpleton that used to beg your aid years ago." While I was not actually angry with Sophy and the Admiral, I was in a pique that I had allowed myself to behave in ways which made my squandering most or all of twenty-five thousand pounds, in a few months, conceivable to their minds.

"There was no offense intended, Frederick," the admiral said in a conciliatory tone. For my part, there was no offense. The Admiral had never attempted, in any way, to be a father to me. Though his age and mine would have made that a possibility. He generally treated me with good cheer and camaraderie. I saw his willingness to become engaged in this deeply private matter as a gesture of concern, rather than feeling it to be an invasion. On the other side of things, I wished that Sophy had amended her beliefs concerning me to include the tempering which time had brought.

I folded my napkin, and prepared to quit the dining room. I said, to my sister in particular, "Thank you for being concerned, but when I went walking yesterday, I took the time to establish myself at a local bank. I am quite healthy in that regard." I stood and went to Sophy. I bent to give her a kiss and said, "I have even bought myself an umbrella. Now, is that the conduct of a wastrel?" She and I looked at one another, eye-to-eye, and she conceded that it was not.

I gave the Croft's a bit of time to become settled after our close shave. As I sat amongst the roses, I determined that I would prove to my sister I had some sense about me. That I had not lived all these years in the world without taking on a few good traits. I also determined that I would begin my search for Anne. Though it could not genuinely be called a search. Her address was quite obtainable from Sophy. She had mentioned that a letter from Uppercross had been delivered to Anne upon the Croft's arrival in Bath. While I was prepared, nay driven to seek out Anne, for her family's company, I was in nowise prepared.

"Sophy, I am going out," I called as I pulled on my gloves. Armed with a hat, an umbrella and as many wits about me as I could muster, I prepared to set off on my expedition. As I shrugged into my coat, I took a last glance in a mirror by the door. Sophy appeared from nowhere and began to straighten my collar in the back.

"You look extremely handsome today, Frederick. Making yourself attractive to the fair sex, I hope?" she said with a final brush to my shoulders.

I removed the gloves to rearrange my cravat. The closer I came to stepping out the door--and possibly into Anne, as I had earlier mused--the more worn my nerves became. My hands had a slight tremor and my jaw had been so tight all morning, it had begun to ache. It was to these circumstances I owed my extraordinarily rude answer. "Yes, my dear sister. It is my intention to stalk the streets of Bath, and drag home as many of the fair sex as possible, then, give you the privilege of choosing one for my wife--blast this d--- tourniquet!" The entire time I spoke, I had worked the cravat into a worse tangle than the one I with which I had begun and managed to work myself into a higher state of dudgeon.

Sophy took me in hand, seeing that my fussing had only brought me to the brink of garroting myself. With deft hands, she had the cravat in order at the double. While it did make me feel as though I were ten again, I was grateful for her ministrations. "You seem a bit out of sorts, my dear. Are you well?" Her understated words were measured and precise. She looked me in the eye and awaited an answer.

"Travel makes me irritable. I am sorry for the rampage." I took her hands in mine and kissed each. "I am going out for a long walk and I intend to run through part of my hard earned prize in a gift for my sister. She has been kind enough to allow me in her home and I have behaved abominably. Do you believe she could forgive me?"

She said nothing for quite sometime. I could see that she studied me. I shifted from one foot to the other, her gaze had begun to alarm me. She finally spoke. "I forgive you, Frederick. Whatever it is you are up to, do be careful."

I was bothered by the cryptic nature of her reply. I had no idea why she bid me to be careful. Bath seemed to be a terribly civilised locality. Perhaps it was not my physical safety she meant. Bussing her on the cheek, I said, "I shall take great care in all I do today. We are well?"

"Yes. Now go and walk, you seem to need some air."

I went down the stairs and the man opened the door. As I seated my hat, I looked to the right and then the left. I had nearly convinced myself that I might actually find her at the door.

As I walked down Milsom-street, I scrutinised every feminine face, hoping to see one in particular. I had taken a moment to get my bearings when I saw a gentleman--an admiral actually--coming toward me. He was in the company of two young ladies. As he approached, he began to smile broadly. Either he recognised me or someone behind me. The closer he came, the more I felt I should know him. Concurrent to seeing his red hair and hearing his voice, I recognised him. "Frederick Wentworth! It has been an age! It is very good to see you."

"Admiral McGillvary, how are you?"

He took my hand and shook it with enthusiasm as he said, "Wentworth, drop the "Admiral" palaver. You and I go back much too far to engage in idle form and flattery. If you hadn't pulled my sorry a . . . " He looked to the ladies, who had begun to occupy themselves at a store window. Though they were engaged, he amended his thought, "If you hadn't pulled my sorry hide from that burning deck in Domingo, there would not be a Patrick McGillvary, much less, an Admiral McGillvary." We moved out of the way of foot traffic and under an awning, I lowered my umbrella and prepared to converse with an old friend.

"So, how long has it been since we were a bad influence on one another?" he asked.

"As I recall, it would be nearly four years. Do you remember where?" I asked, knowing he would most definitely remember.

"How could I forget? It was Portsmouth, The Whistler's Jugg, and the fellows chasing us were Portuguese. Am I right?"

"Perfectly. Have you ever discovered what it was you said that caused them to set upon us so?"

He laughed. "No, but I am much more careful about spouting gibberish when I do not know its exact meaning." He lowered his voice and came close, "I still say it must have had to do with their female relations." As he said this, he winked.

McGillvary and I had accidently come upon one another in Portsmouth in the year ten. We had served together on the Borthwick in St. Domingo. We had both been promoted to commander after the action there. We each had time ashore in the year six and returned to separate ships; he to the Winchester, and I took promotion with command of the Asp. He proved himself in a short time and was promoted, taking command of the Beechick. Our meeting in Portsmouth was accidental, but very welcome. We had intended to have a friendly drink and nothing more at a local house called The Whistler's Jugg. It had a bad reputation, but it was close to the docks and we had no time to be wandering about looking for better. We had seated ourselves near a table of about ten, very loud and very drunken Portuguese. They had been singing and playing up. McGillvary thought he knew enough Portuguese to ask for some quiet, but after he had exhausted his command of the language, the ten gathered themselves to full height and began moving our way. Being as how they were all quite drunk and bumbling, while we were not; the decision to beat a hasty retreat was simple. It did not take much to outrun them and the howl which came when the tale was retold was worth the effort. Portsmouth was the last misadventure McGillvary and I shared. I felt the results of this meeting would, most likely, be different.

"Papa, Molland's, please?" The Admiral had been addressed by the younger of the two ladies. I guessed her to be his daughter as she possessed the same shade of red hair. The second young woman, obviously not a McGillvary by her colouring, stood quietly by, fidgeting with her purse.

"I am sorry, darling. I got quite caught up with Captain Wentworth here." He turned to me from the girl and said, "Frederick Wentworth, I would like you to meet my daughter, Cleora McGillvary. Cleora, this is Captain Wentworth." He motioned to the other young lady and introduced her. "And this is Cleora's friend and companion, Miss Lytton."

"Miss McGillvary, Miss Lytton. I am pleased to meet you both." I saw that the companion, Miss Lytton, seemed more pleased to be introduced than Miss McGillvary. I reckoned that her father met with old mates on the streets of Bath regularly and it brought about much vexation.

"Frederick, are you otherwise engaged?" asked the Admiral.

"To be truthful, I find I made a rather stupid gaffe concerning my sister and I am endeavoring to find a gift to show her I am not quite the savage she may think me at present," I said, as I stepped aside for a large party of ladies. The street traffic had grown heavier with the rain, everyone was diving for cover.

"Then I will have no scruple in asking you to join us at Molland's. Though it is mostly tea and sweets, there is a confectionary which may provide you with the very gift you require. What do you say?" asked the Admiral.

Since I'd had no good fortune as I sought out my objective, I felt that tea and a little reminiscing could do no harm. "Certainly, Sir. I would take great delight in joining your party," I said with as much formality I could muster.

Having slapped me on the back, McGillvary pointed me back the way I had come. We conducted the ladies into the flow of foot traffic. As we manoeuvered our way, the Admiral said, "Perhaps your sister would enjoy a box of marzipan. From what I am told, Molland's has some of the finest in Bath."

I remembered Sophy's aversion to the stuff and told him, "The last occasion I had to see my sister partake of marzipan, I believe her words were, 'cloying and obvious,' so I would deem that particular confection unsuitable. I do not wish the hole to go any deeper."

He laughed, "Your sister is a woman of good taste. I have always felt that anything which must be so manipulated and sculpted to make appealing enough to eat, must not be that good to begin with. Here we are." The door opened and several ladies and gentlemen emerged from the shop. The ladies of our party stepped through the door and the Admiral held it for more who were leaving. The way was finally clear for him and I to enter. As I came in, the strap of my umbrella caught on the head of an exiting gentleman's cane. We stopped and extricated ourselves from one another. As I looked up to turn back to McGillvary, that was when I saw her. It seemed that the accidental had been arranged, but not by mere mortals.

Looking back on it now, in my rational mind, I know that Patrick did not disappear. All those milling around the shop still existed, and the noise went on unabated. But for a particle of time, just she and I stood looking to one another. I still cannot say what she wore, how her hair might have been arranged or anything about her actual, physical presence. In the past months, I had many times thought of her. Her eyes, her mouth, her cheeks as they had begun to take on colour at the shore. I had thought about her, and now I found that all the imaginings were shadows compared to the woman I looked upon.

My last look of her had been at the Great House at Uppercross on the night of Louisa Musgrove's accident. She had been tired from exertion and strain, fear had framed her countenance. I dare say that traveling three hours by chaise with Henrietta going between tears and agitation was a trial. Perhaps the larger trial was enduring the silence of a foolish man. A man lamenting his part in such a terrible calamity, but also a man who, though seated immediately next to her, kept her distant and withheld simple kindness and compassion.

That was my last look of her, but now she stood before me, and she made herself open to be addressed by me. I shook myself from my reflections and said, "Good day to you, Miss Elliot." I gave her a nod, then I turned and found myself at the confection counter ordering a ridiculous quantity of meringues and lemon madeleines. Sophy would accuse me of thinking her a glutton when I brought all these home, but I found I had little control over my tongue.

You have come to Bath for this very moment. If it passes, you will never have her. The blame of it will be with you forever. After I had paid, I came around to return to her and found the Admiral behind me. "We secured a table over near the window, when you are finished here, come join us," he said as he pointed toward a corner table.

"Yes. In a moment, McGillvary. There is someone I must speak to." I moved from the counter. I turned back and stood before her. I endeavored to look sensible, though I knew I failed miserably. "You look well, Miss Anne. And your family, they are well also?"

She smiled and replied, "Yes, they are all well. And your family, they too are well?"

I feared that she had the better of me. Her tone of voice lead me to think she was amused with such idle comments. My mind darted here and there, I looked for some lively topic to engage her. "Y-yes. The Admiral and my sister are quite well, thank you." I glanced out the shop windows and felt I had struck upon the perfect thing, "Uh . . . I am afraid the weather today is rather dull." She will have no choice but to swoon with so heady a subject, Frederick! I felt another wave of flush as it rose to my face, my mouth dried in an instant and the palms of my hands dampened. So much so, that my umbrella slipped to the floor with a resounding crack. Though, in all the bustle of the shop, it was not noticed.

She and I bent to reach it, she allowed me to retrieve it, but remained level with me and rose as I rose. She smiled the entire time and I believe she enjoyed seeing me in such a state of nerves. And such a state it was. In our time at Uppercross, we had come to greet one another and even converse with, what I had believed to be a good amount of disinterest. At the time, I had reveled in that. I felt that I had put her in her proper place and she had no choice, but to remain there--way from my heart. Now I saw it for what it was, a fool's game I had played. She was no further from my heart than she had been in the year six. It was just that now, the heart she was near, could see her worth and recognise the merits of such a fine vessel.

She commented upon the weather as any polite lady would. There was a moment of silence. Again I scrambled for something to converse on. "I have had intelligence that Louisa Musgrove is home at Uppercross. I hope this eases the Musgrove's anxiety." Good G-d, Frederick, perhaps there is a horrible accident you could bring up as your next inappropriate subject! I knew if I kept on with such wretched conversation, there would be no need fearing chance meetings in future, she would catch sight of me and flee my presence.

"I am certain they are quite relieved by her being back with them. It is difficult when one you love is absent from home, especially in this case, she being ill," said Anne.

"I am certain that Miss Musgrove is improving daily, being in the center of those who love her," I replied, as I gave her a half smile. I knew her to be aware of the engagement and so thought she may see my meaning. As I glanced about the room, I endeavored to find anything to keep her attention. That was when I noticed the Miss Elizabeth Elliot. She looked as imperious as ever. Distainful of all those who had the misfortune of inferior breeding, her eyes met mine and there was no mistaking the mutual perception. As I turned slightly, with every intention of acknowledging her; Miss Elliot with a great deal of flair and expertise, gave me the cut by turning away to her companion. That hung me, quite effectively, out to dry. As I continued to look her way, I saw a sideways glance in our direction. I am sure she expected some sort of indication of injury. I smiled as I turned back to Anne. It was a shame that Miss Elizabeth Elliot had no way of comprehending how profoundly undamaged I had been left by her denial.

About that time, a servant entered the shop and announced a carriage. I had paid no attention, as I was yet to happen upon another topic for conversation; that is, until I heard the name, "Elliot." I glanced to the front again and saw Miss Elizabeth and her companion prepared to leave with the man. The fuss she concocted, assured the entire store that she was to be freed of the tedium of the rain, the shop and the commonplace.

I turned back and was aware that Anne had made no move to leave me. Determining that she awaited my assistance, I offered my services with a slight show of my arm.

"I am much obliged to you, but I am not going with them. The carriage would not accommodate so many. I walk. I prefer walking," she said.

"But it rains," I said, wanting her comfortable and out of it.

"Oh! very little. Nothing that I regard."

I do not know what kept me from offering to walk her home. Fear I suppose. My offer being rejected. The only thing I could think to do was offer . . .

"Though I came only yesterday, I have equipped myself properly for Bath already, you see," I said pointing to the umbrella I had purchased the day before. "I wish you would make use of it, if you are determined to walk; though, I think, it would be more prudent to let me get you a chair." I wished to be of use to her, but this was not the time.

"Thank you for your kindness, Captain. But the rain is nothing at present and I am only waiting for Mr. Elliot. He will be here in a moment, I am sure." As she spoke, a look came to her face, but it was enigmatical. I was not able to puzzle it out, I was far too occupied with rain and umbrellas to discipher the look on her lovely face.

The words had barely passed her lips, when a figure hurried from the door towards us. I looked to the figure and I realized that the Mr. Elliot she awaited, and the gentleman who had admired her on the Cobb one morning in Lyme, were the selfsame man. A feeling had overtaken me on that day which I had been, at the time, loathe to name. The feeling was returned and now it could only be named jealousy.

"Miss Anne, I am terribly sorry to have kept you. The crush on the sidewalk is so great, one can scarce move. The rain has eased, but we really should hurry to avoid another shower." The man did not look in my direction, nor did he give Anne an opportunity to make introductions, as I saw she endeavored to. As the gentleman arranged himself beside her , she had little choice but to take his arm as he offered, and walk away. As she was turning to leave, she gently said, "Good morning to you." They were gone out the door as quickly as he had come. I stood and looked after them, all I thought about were the times I had neglected to offer her my arm.

I watched them disappear into the crowd of Milsom-street. When I could no longer discern her, I started back to my party. I had turned and found Miss McGillvary and Miss Lytton with my packages.

"Papa said to give these to you before one of the fine citizenry of Bath pinched them from the counter," Miss McGillvary said with a smile.

"Thank you, Miss McGillvary," I said as I took them from her.

"Do you know the Elliot's well, Captain?" asked Miss Lytton?

Only propriety and habit caused me to answer. "No. Not very well."

Upon hearing this, they determined that I had no special intelligence on the family and the ladies conversed in complete oblivion to me.

"Mr. Elliot does not dislike his cousin, I fancy?" Miss McGillvary said as she smiled slyly and arched her brows.

"Oh! No, that is clear enough. One can guess what will happen there. He is always with them; half lives in the family, I believe. What a very good looking man!" Miss Lytton purred.

I did not move, though their conversation had the effect of a physical blow. While I had known him to be her cousin, it was obvious this Mr. Elliot was more than a mere relation. His manner shouted of an intimate connexion and personal attachment to Anne. One had only to guess, that which Miss Lytton had alluded to; their marriage was in the offing.

"Yes, and Miss Atkinson, who dined with him once at the Wallises, says he is the most agreeable man she ever was in company with." Miss McGillvary's estimation of Mr. Elliot had seemed to grow in direct proportion to the amount mine sunk. But, still I stood. I listened and inflicted more upon myself.

"She is pretty, I think; Anne Elliot; very pretty, when one comes to look at her. It is not the fashion to say so, but I confess I admire her more than her sister," said Miss Lytton with an enthusiasm that only youth can bring.

"Oh! so do I," Miss McGillvary agreed with feeling.

"And so do I. No comparison. But the men are all wild after Miss Elliot. Anne is too delicate for them."

I had no notion of men being wild for Miss Elliot. But the declarations concerning Anne were true and just, but in light of the previous revelation, they were nearly too painful to hear. It did me no good to believe her beautiful if she were married to another man.

The ladies moved to a table away from me. I had realized that I stared at nothing in particular and that the Admiral would be quite impatient for me to be seated. I walked over to the table and sat.

"You looked as if you were doing quite well until that chap whisked your lady friend away," McGillvary said, as he drained his tea.

I sat quietly for a moment. Things had seemed to go well. But I feared that looks had disceived us both. "Oh! Miss Elliot and I are just acquaintances. A long and old acquaintance," I said distractedly.

The Admiral looked at me with surprise. "Her mein bespoke a bit more I think, Frederick."

It took a moment before I realized what he had said. I looked directly at him and asked, "What makes you think such a thing?"

He arched his brows and smiled as he looked to me; I might have just asked the colour of air. I did not understand his confusion until he began to speak, "Wentworth, did you even look at her during your conversation? Did you not see how she looked at you? Women do not generally betray that much feeling with mere acquaintances."

I wished his estimation to be true, but Patrick had also thought that he knew enough Portuguese to beg a bit of quiet in Portsmouth.

That night, as I closed the door behind me, I finally took a deep breath. I could not remember a more exhausting day. I had days of fatigue from physical exertion which had left me with more life. After my encounter with Anne, I had spent more time with McGillvary. We had talked and I had dodged his questions concerning her. After leaving him, I had come home to more questions from Sophy. My pique of the morning had worried her and so every aspect of my health was open to investigation. "Was I ill?" " Was I in pain?" " Was I sleeping?" I had endured as much as was possible for my state of mind. I excused myself soon after dinner. I knew there would be more questions in the morning, but I would not have to face them until, hopefully, I had been able to order my thoughts and have some sleep.

Putting out all the candles save one, I pulled a chair close to the bed. My one concession to the room was the removal of my shoes before putting my feet upon it. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. Anne's face immediately came to me. As I mused about the morning, I was not sure I could trust my remembrance of the meeting. McGillvary said there had been much feeling for her part. I had little confidence in either his conclusions or mine. I found myself thinking hard on Mr. Elliot. His confidence in manner and his command of their leaving was becoming a knot in my stomach. I then recalled, that as they had left, he covered her hand with his. The crush of the crowd outside the shop had forced them so close together. It ate at my brain that he had such contact with her. I was ashamed to admit that it was not my sense of propriety which was incensed, it was my jealousy. I wished to have her hand and walk closely with her. What galled, what always galled, was the fact that I'd had my opportunities and had thrown them aside.

Sitting alone in that room, I began to understand something of myself. For the first time in my life, I was completely alone in an endeavor. As I had begun my career, Edward had supported me in most ways, Sophy and the Admiral had been helpful when possible. As I had gone up in rank, I had officers and midshipmen to follow orders or advise when necessary. I had thrown myself into my career so far that there was not much else to my life which required any solitary effort. This was nearly the first thing I would have to do alone. Perhaps that was why this room bothered me so. I was completely alone and did not even have a place to rest that was a comfort. Not being comfortable left me no place to hide from the task. The task. Even my thinking on it was wrong. This was not a job to be completed, this was a calling, a passion, a drive that I could not deny. This was the thing which would frame the rest of my life. If she would have me, I would be complete in many ways. If she would not . . .

The candle went out. I remained in the dark.

Chapter 5, Friday
I had awakened in the early morning, near four, and found myself asleep in the chair I had settled in the evening before. My neck ached with the awkwardness of slouching. After stretching enough to move myself, but not enough to fully waken, I had put myself in the bed rather than use it as a footrest. To my chagrin, in the morning, I found I had not shoved the bed trimmings to the floor and had left them intact. It was not the fact that I had slept with them that nettled, it was that when turning in sleep, they had tended to slide and had canoodled their way throughout the bed. The only reason I was awakened that morning was that one of the pesky bits of furniture--red with nearly four lengths of lace to my estimation, fell against my face. It became as a fly. Each move I made seemed to bring it closer and made it more persistent. Finally, coming sensible to the source of annoyance, I took it and heaved it across the room. Lying back on the pillow, I realized that I was now fully awake and that to return to sleep would put me late out of bed and in a fouler humour than that which I had roused.

Thursday had been rain all the day and long into the night. The front had played out and Friday dawned with bright sun and no clouds, even in the distance. After I had dressed, I stood at the window a long while. It was a lovely day to walk, to exercise the body and the mind. It had been an excellent day to stroll Bath, take in various sights . . .to search out familiar faces.

I had walked most of the main streets I knew, hoping to see Anne out on the stroll. I reasoned that, if she preferred to walk the previous day, though it rained, perhaps she would also walk this day as the weather was so glorious. There was much foot traffic nearly everywhere I went. Especially here on Pulteney Street. While this was a main thoroughfare, it was not due to commerce. There were no shops, only fine townhouses of much the same design as the Crofts'. Lovely homes, lovely people and lovely weather, but as of yet--no Anne.

All the denizens of Bath had chosen to take the sun by foot it seemed and so the sidewalks were crowded. This made watching both sides of the street difficult. I watched closely the side I was on for a few steps, then shift my gaze to the other side; all the while endeavoring to manoeuver through the crush without impaling or being impaled by an errant umbrella; it was a sunny day, but this was, after all, Bath. I began to notice that the avenue was nearly empty. I thought that unusual since this would be a perfect day to ride, sans top, if your equipage allowed. It would seem, that those with the freedom to range more widely by coach had chosen to do so and left the streets to the few who elected a ride through town.

I was certain that it was only owing to this that I took notice of the Lady Russell's landau carrying she and Anne. The top was down allowing the sun, and the ladies were seated facing front, looking towards me. It took a little time before I realised that Lady Russell was Anne's companion. The carriage was quite new and of more modern styling than I had thought the Lady would own. I saw them from some distance. When it became clear whose coach it was and who was riding in it, I had a feeling of expectancy. While direct and elaborate communication would not be possible, there would, I felt, at the very least, be some sort of acknowledgment on her part. I anticipated a look or a nod, some gesture which would tell me that she knew I was there. As they approached, I continued to walk, slowly, with my eyes locked upon them. I eventually stopped as my attention was drawn from Anne with each new collision in which I was involved. I took up a position in front of a lamppost, one of many that lined the street. As I followed their progress, I slowly realized that she would not look towards me. She in fact, very pointedly, gazed away. She looked to the left side of the street. She looked ahead. She even looked down to her lap occasionally to avoid my eye. All the while, Lady Russell watched me intently. The Lady seemed to have no compunction in staring quite markedly at me. There seemed to be no conversation between them as all this occurred. Perhaps Anne had been put in her place the moment it was realised that it was I on the street. While she had acknowledged me when it was she alone, in the presence of the one she regarded so highly, there could be no such forbearance. It seemed that time had only made Anne's compliant nature and yielding habits more dutiful.

As the carriage came nearly even with me, the Lady Russell stopped staring and leaned back, she spoke to Anne and pointed toward my direction. Anne sat to the right, the side nearest to me, but looked straight ahead as they passed. There was no nod, no look, no gesture which bespoke acknowledgment. Nothing until I saw her gloved hand rest on the rail of the carriage half wall. I thought her fingers fluttered, slightly as the vehicle managed a slow turn away from me.

I stood by the post and stared at the spot where I thought she had waved to me. Had she waved or had she merely flexed out a cramp in her hand? Either way, she was gone and I must be on the move, lest I be thought a simpleton who needed help home. The entire exchange left me annoyed, and in a huff, I whacked that poor old lamppost handily with my umbrella. It did nothing to the lamppost, it made me feel no better nor did the umbrella benefit.

Upon my return to the Crofts', I found that my sister and the Admiral were out to walk and not expected back for some time. On Fridays they allowed themselves to dine out and partake of local entertainments. There had been no questions that morning and their absence was a guaranty that I would have peace for a few hours, at least. I elected on a change of clothes and a relaxed afternoon. At the very least, I would be comfortable in body. I feared that Edward had been correct, my mind was to have no release until I was able to hear her desires, from her own lips.

As I changed, I found a note from Admiral McGillvary placed by the bedside. He invited me to dine at his home Monday afternoon. After the change, I dashed off an acceptance and had it sent before I had given things much thought. I desired any employment which would take me from the house and the boredom it held.

Lying on the bed, thinking upon what I hoped I had seen that morning, I mused what it might mean for me. Perhaps Anne had, indeed seen me, but for fear of raising the ire of Lady Russell, made no open acknowledgment. The small wave had been the only recourse available. Then again, she may have had no idea that I was on the street at all and the wave was not a wave but a reflex, quite unconscience. But I was certain that she had seen me, why else would she not look to that side of the street? The only clear answer to that would be that she did not wish to know me and that she perhaps regretted our exchange at Molland's the day before. The Lady Russell certainly saw me, she stared with an amazing amount of presumption. Unless, of course, the Lady was looking to something completely apart from me, had no notion of me at all and was completely innocent of an affront. While I did not wish that particular thought to be the truth--Dame Russell and I being long at odds--I had to grant it as a possibility, for while her look had been intent, it had not been contemptuous.

This was the circuity of my thoughts. As I ruminated on the whole matter . . . again; I noticed a large tassel hanging from the center of the canopy of the bed. I thought it a good thing that I had left the saber from my dress uniform at Kellynch; I had been fairly certain that there would be no need of it. This was fortuitous since I am persuaded the saber and tassel would have met with no good result for the ornament. As it was, I began shying the bed trimmings towards it. The game was to hit the tassel straight on, causing it to flip up and hit the ceiling of the canopy. While not keeping a literal tally, I allowed myself a score for a full on hit, one which caused the tassel to dance but not come full up was not as desired, but still merited notice. This child's play diverted me for nearly three full rounds. Tossing the bed decor back where it belonged, I went to the window and looked out. The sun still shone, people walked and took full advantage. It seemed to mock the mood I had fallen into.

>br />

It had been nearly eight in the evening when the Admiral and Sophy returned form their 'afternoon' out. I had taken an early dinner and was in the process of rummaging the library for anything readable. I owe most of what I am to the Navy, but immersing myself in its history, tactics, politics or rhetoric about is not to my taste this night. There was not much else available, so the Crofts' return was rather welcome.

I greeted them as they were settling into the sitting room. "Well, my dear, what did you do this glorious day? We spent so much of it out of doors that I feel as though we are back in the country," Sophy said enthusiastically. She sat fussing with her dress and cap while the Admiral poured them each a glass of wine. A man brought a small tray which bore meringues and lemon madeleines. My sister refused the offerings of the tray, looked to me and said, "Frederick, while I do enjoy sweets more than most, I think you were a bit . . . over generous with the amount you brought home yesterday. I think you have provided us with refreshment for quite sometime." Sophy turned to the Admiral and took the wine. She and the Admiral then proceeded to tell of their day. They had taken a meal at a new Russian tea room they had discovered. Empress Schtarbok's Tea Shoppe was rather a bit 'fashionable' for the admiral's tastes and Sophy had been put off by the incessant violin that had played in the background. While they had not enjoyed their time with the Empress Schtarbok, I enjoyed some intelligence concerning Anne. It seemed that the tea room was near to Camden Place, her new home. As the Crofts' continued to tell me about the events of their day; there was something about a magic show I believe, my mind became caught up in the absurd idea of making my way to Camden Place, blowing past the footman and in true freebooter fashion, find my lady love and having tossed her over my shoulder, beat a hasty retreat. Surely, the shocked look on Miss Elizabeth's and Sir Walter's faces would give me much gratification as I sat in a Bath jail cell. The smile this had brought to my face roused the suspicions of my sister and the Admiral.

"Dear, I do believe we have lost Frederick. He seems to be more pleasantly engaged," Sophy said with a suspicious tone.

"Perhaps he had an interesting day of his own," the Admiral said with a raised brow and a prankish look in his eye.

"I assure you, Admiral, that my day was not terribly interesting. The staff will vouch that I was a very bored fellow," I said, as I endeavored to be light. I was still somewhat taken with my notion of playing pirate.

There was more talk of magic and Russian tea. It was a quiet time that we shared. A silence came to all of us. I was standing by the window that overlooked the street. The night was clear and there were still a few people out. Returning from dinner or evening parties most likely. I heard the Admiral and Sophy speaking in hushed tones, obviously to keep me from hearing.

"Frederick. I think we have a little matter to settle," said Sophy quietly.

'A little matter to settle.' I did not like the sound of that, but for the life of me I was not able to think of anything which was unsettled. When I had come home with the confections the day before, Sophy had laughed at the unreasonable quantity, but they had been accepted with good cheer. There had not seemed to be any lasting agitation over my bearish behavior from the morning. But, obviously, there was something to discuss.

My sister looked at her husband and after a small nod from him, she began, "Frederick, I wish to apologise for yesterday morning, at breakfast. I know that it embarrassed you, and us. But I thought we had reason to ask. I still recall the trouble we had so many years ago . . . you disappeared for weeks and then we find you were with Edward in Monksford. This time, you are again with Edward, only now the locale is Shropshire. The similarities were too striking to be ignored. But, I was obviously wrong, I am sorry."

The 'trouble' Sophy talked of had been a bit of bad business I had put myself in eight years earlier, just after St. Domingo and prior to being put ashore. I had thought myself fortunate to come out of it with a few hundred pounds. In true fools' fashion, I set about to run through all of it in the most idiotic of ways. I set to gambling. Having chosen cards as my partners in crime, they did me well, for a time. I then experienced what every man who lays all his trust solely in chance finds--abandonment. After I had lost all that I had gained, I was obliged to pledge myself to promissory notes covering larger amounts I had lost in hopes of covering the first loses. All in all, I found that I was neither terribly skilled with cards nor the "gentlemen" who derive profit from them.

I had been put ashore in Bristol, the Crofts' had also taken up residence there in preparation of the Admiral's being posted to a new station in the Indies. I had kept close contact with Sophy until I began receiving 'suggestions' that I immediately pay off my notes. This was not possible and so I thought it wise to repair to the country and visit with Edward. The lamentable part was that I failed to inform the Crofts' of my whereabouts or my reason for departure. In short, I had disappeared for several weeks and my sister had no notion of where I was. The situation grew worse when the "gentlemen" made a visit to my brother-in-law. While they did not alarm him, there is not much which does alarm the Admiral, it did make him understand why I had vanished. They graciously paid me off and awaited my resurfacing.

Poor Edward. He had been harbouring a wayward and had no idea. In a letter to the Crofts', he casually mentioned my presence. The posts which followed were quite pointed in their anger and relief. I was glad that Sophy had been tied to Bristol and was not able to see me face to face, though it did turn into years. The letters were quite enough. In that folly, I realised how much my sister loved me and also how, though I was grown, she watched over me. It had become apparent that she still watched over me.

"While I appreciate your concern for me, Sophy, what made you believe that I would go back to such a stupid practice? Having to repay you and the Admiral was a mortification I have yet to forget. I am not likely to return to that folly." I moved to a chair closer to my sister. "As a matter of fact, the last wager I laid was for no money. Harville and I were speculating whether or not his youngest could successfully manoeurver the length of the room without falling. I took the position against the tyke. I lost, and that was the last, I swear."

"Frederick, I am sorry that I misjudged your actions, but since the business at Lyme, you have been acting strangely. You disappeared from Lyme. Later, we hear you are with Edward in Shropshire, but then you tell us that there was a time in Plymouth. I do not expect you to gain our permission to come and go, but I do wish to know what county you have yourself." Sophy turned away from me and I saw that this was upsetting to her even still.

I rose and went to her. I knelt before her and took her hand, saying, "I am sorry. This is a case where my actions only look to be past behavior. My actions now are attributable to confusion and thoughtlessness. In future, I shall consider my actions and how they might affect others. Especially a very dear sister." As I stood, I kissed her cheek and hoped that this would put a finish to the affair.

Before she relinquished my hand, Sophy said, "You do that and I shall endeavor to remember you are more wise and are not at the mercy of your old habits."

I was glad of this. It would be foolish not to recognise the natural strengthening of character which comes with age and differing circumstance.

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